Identifying Your Sexual Values

Most people are taken aback or surprised when I mention the concept of sexual values, if not for any other reason than they simply have never thought about it. We ALL possess sexual values. These values were formed over the course of your life and were influenced by media, peers, religion, culture, family-of-origin, and sexual partners. After these beliefs were formed and solidified, we seldom stop to question what it is that we believe or why. To get you started in exploring your sexual values, I have provided access to the Sexual Attitudes and Behavior Assessment from my book, “Talking to Children and Teens About Sex: A Practical Guide.” I encourage you to take 10 minutes to complete the assessment. I want you to pay special attention to statements that you either strongly agree or disagree with. When you feel strongly for or against something, this is usually based on a firmly held belief that you possess. I refer to these beliefs as “core values”. It is critical that you understand you core values and where they come from because they are not likely to change without marked distress or conscious effort. I generally encourage clients to be honest about and accepting of their core values. In contrast to core values, you may have found that some or your responses were somewhere in the middle. This may have been because you have two opposing ways of thinking about something. For example, in the case of abortion, maybe you do not believe in an abortion unless the pregnancy jeopardizes the mother’s life. This would be an example of what I refer to as a conflicted value. Finally, you may have found that you did not have enough information to form an opinion on some of your responses. Is it okay to slap, hit, or choke your partner during sex? I refer to this as a confused value. Confused values aren’t bad; they are merely an opportunity to learn more about yourself and the world around you.

Recap of Topic: Sexual Values

We all hold sexual values which govern how we act during and experience sex. These values were formed throughout the course of your life and are usually influenced by peers, media, religion, family-of-origin, culture and romantic partners. Knowing your unique values allows you to understand your relationship with sex and determine what, if any, changes need to be made. This information also aids you in talking to your partner about your boundaries regarding sex and where this is coming from for you.

Understanding Your Sexual Values

Now that you have identified your sexual values, the next step is to understand if this value is visible or invisible and to explore the consequence of this value to self and others. Visible or invisible simply means, is this value seen or known by others. For a visual representation of this, see the image of the sexual values iceberg. In this image, you can see how some sexual values are known and seen by others, while others are hidden. Cultivating self-awareness for how we present our values to others allows us to know the impact we are having on those around us. A real life example of this would be when one partner in a relationship refuses to talk about sex. Their partner can infer a great many things from this to include, but not limited to, my partner is not interested in sex with me, I can’t talk to my partner about sex because he/she will be uncomfortable, I can’t ask for what I need sexually because he/she will be uncomfortable, and/or my partner just needs more experience with sex. Some, none or all of that may be true.

After you have evaluated if your values are visible or invisible, I want you to evaluate the consequences of your values to yourself and your partner. You may need to talk to your partner about their experience to gain additional information. I have provided some examples below of how to reflect on your sexual values and their consequences to you. Identifying how a value influences your thinking, emotions and behavior empowers you to determine if this what you want for your life.

Recap of Topic: Understanding Your Sexual Values

While exploring the depths and origins of your sexual values may be an uncomfortable exercise, you can use this knowledge to create positive change. If you identified a sexual value that is causing you pain or just simply does not align with you, my challenge to you is to determine how you want to rewrite this value in a way that reflects who you are today. You can further use this knowledge to explore ways in which you and your partner are or are not aligned to create a deeper intimacy in your sexual relationship.

Communicating Sexual Values

Sexual values are deeply personal and tend to trigger feelings of shame, anger, and sadness, to name a few. When communicating these values to your partner, it is important to you let your partner know in advance what came up for you through the above activities. If you re-experienced trauma or shame, can you share this with your partner? This will require vulnerability and could be uncomfortable. It is equally important to you let your partner know what you need from him or her prior to sharing your values. Do you need your partner to just listen without judgment? Do you need him or her to offer suggestions and share their own stories? By preparing your partner for how to respond, you create a scenario where you can both succeed. Finally, consider how you want your values to be reflected in the relationship you share with your partner. Most partner relationships are founded on a contract. Sometimes this contract is unspoken, but some of the elements of the contract are usually known to both parties. Contracts usually govern things like monogamy, pornography use, abortion and permissible sexual acts. I encourage you to use this opportunity to make any unspoken part of your contract spoken and agreed upon by both of you. As a couple’s counselor, I have seen a fair amount of distress caused by the failure to create a mutually agreed upon contract especially around monogamy and pornography use. If you suspect that your sexual values may be in contrast to your partner’s and/or your behavior may be perceived as a betrayal to your partner, I would encourage you to contact a couple’s counselor near you to discuss this content in a safe and supportive environment.

Recap of Topic: Communicating Sexual Values

While possibly anxiety inducing and intimidating, communicating your sexual values to your partner is essential for creating a mutually beneficial and satisfying sex life. Many people hold feelings of shame, anxiety and sadness around their sexual values. If you do, you are not alone. Let your partner know this in advance to sharing your values so that he or she can be sensitive to your needs. Further, define what you need from your partner when sharing your values so that you receive what you need. If you think that sharing your values will be received poorly by your partner, I encourage you to seek out a qualified couple’s counselor near you to disclose this information in a safe and supportive environment.

^{Recommended Product of the Week}

This week’s recommended product(s) is Talking to Children and Teens About Sex: A Practical Guide by Tara Spears. Talking to Children and Teens About Sex: A Practical Guide, guides parents and caregivers through the potentially thorny field of talking to children about sexuality. For a book so packed with facts, exercises, and strategies for communication, Talking to Children and Teens About Sex is easily accessible and approachable for a wide range of caregivers.