Identifying Reasons Why Sex Becomes Unsexy

Many, but not all, couples begin their relationship with a period of intense sexual chemistry that is characterized by feelings of euphoria, giddiness and intense preoccupation. In short, this is called lust. Lust is useful in the development of a bond in the early stages of a relationship. As attachment and security increase, feelings of lust tend to decrease. Many people accept this tradeoff for the creation of emotional intimacy and safety. In long-term relationships, we can no longer lean on the lustful hormones of getting to know one another to fuel arousal and desire. As a result,, it is not uncommon to see a decrease in sexual frequency after the first year and an emergence of issues pertaining to sex that were not once there. As previously stated, difficulties with sex and physical intimacy can grow and compound over time. Below, I will describe some common reasons why sex can become challenging.

1. Pressure!!!! If one or both partners are feeling pressured to provide sex, this perceived or actual feeling of pressure is often internalized as anxiety. Anxiety is an absolute mood killer. Usually anxious partners will avoid scenarios where sex could occur or create barriers (i.e. going to bed at a different time, sleeping in another bed, putting pillows in between you). They may even avoid physical affection so as to not give the impression that they are interested in more than a hug. If you are uncertain if this is occurring in your relationship, simply ask your partner if he or she feels pressured to have sex. If your partner says yes, it is critical that you not dismiss this perception. Unless it it dealt with, the anxiety will not go away.

2. Exhaustion. Life frequently gets busier and heavier over time. Children, mortgages, career struggles and care for aging parents are a few ways in which physical and emotional energy are siphoned away from a couple. Chronic exhaustion and stress can lead to a decrease in libido.

3. Boredom. A great many couples have what I refer to as a “sexual script”. A sexual script is a sexual routine that a couple develops over time and often repeats during most, if not all, sexual encounters. This sexual script while comforting like your favorite pair of pajamas is not really sexy. It’s not new or novel and can lead to feelings of boredom.

4. Resentment. Unspoken and unresolved resentment is not only a cancer for a relationship it is a huge mood killer. In these scenarios, sex is actually not likely a problem in the marriage. Sex is a symptom of the level of disengagement the couple is experiencing.

5. Body Image. Both men and women have feelings of insecurity around their weight and body image. We can anticipate trends around this like during and after pregnancy but feeling uncomfortable in your body can happen at any time. These feelings of insecurity can lead to behaviors that look like withdrawal to the other person.

6. Sexual Functioning. Both genders experience their own unique challenges with sexual functioning. For men, this can include the ability to obtain and maintain an erection, the ability to orgasm and the ability to prolong sex to the point of orgasm. For women, this can include the ability to tolerate penetration, the ability to tolerate penetration without pain, and the ability to orgasm. Individuals of ANY age can and do struggle with sexual functioning. It is very common that feelings of shame and anxiety become attached to challenges with sexual functioning.

7. Messages and Programing. Most of my clients, have varying levels of illogical beliefs as it pertains to sex. Pornography, family-of-origin, religion, media and peers are huge influences on a person’s development of sexual values. In my experience, most people are unaware that they possess sexual values and certainly don’t know what they are. Your sexual values influence how you relate to and engage in sex. We will explore and examine sexual values in next week’s newsletter.

Recap of Topic: Reasons Why Sex Becomes Unsexy

For many couples, sex is a source of frustration and concern. While the exact reasons why are unique to the couple, some common reasons that I have observed over the years include, but are not limited to, pressure, exhaustion, boredom, resentment, body image, sexual functioning and programing. If you and your partner are struggling with sex, you are certainly not alone. I encourage you to sit down with this newsletter and talk to your partner about what your unique barriers to sex are. With this information, you can then decide if you want to make modifications or if you need guidance from a trained therapist.

Pitfalls for Increasing Sex in Your Relationship

Most couples try to resolve their frustrations with sex on their own before seeking help. There are absolutely ways in which couples can do this on their own and we will explore some of those techniques in the next section. First, we are going to explore some common pitfalls that I have observed in my work with couples over the years. If you have attempted some of these strategies, do not panic. It doesn’t mean your sexual relationship is doomed to fail. It likely means that you need to pivot your efforts in the future for improved results.

1. Scheduling. Often times the partner who is pushing for increased sex in the relationship will propose scheduling sex as a solution. On the surface, I understand why this solution seems viable. You lead a busy life. You have many things demanding your time and attention and you can simply schedule sex like you do a teeth cleaning. Scheduling sex does account for time management and busyness as barriers but it does not account for anything else. It does not address resentment, pressure, body image or any other issue that might be leading to avoidance in a partner. As a result, scheduling can actually increase the tension around sex and backfire as a solution. If this has happened to you, you aren’t alone. I have never seen it used successfully.

2. Pushing through. Sometimes a partner will possess discomfort around sex that may not be well understand by the person and certainly not the partner. Due to messaging one or both individuals possesses around sex, the idea of let’s just get this over with may be the solution for making sex happen. When you have sex, your head and your body should be in the same place at the same time. When you choose to push through, you typically have to distract yourself mentally to avoid feelings of distress and discomfort. I caution couples to NEVER push through but rather slow down and seek connection and comfort.

3. Equating sex to other acts of service. In my work with couples, I have seen examples of how sex can become equated to other acts of service such as picking the kids up from school, doing the laundry or cooking. In this situation, the message is usually, I do this for you, why can’t you do this for me. The reason why this does not work is because sex without genuine consent is a betrayal of one’s body. Someone may not like doing laundry but seldom do I hear that it feels like a betrayal of self to do laundry. Engaging in any sexual act without genuine consent is going to lead to internalized anxiety and resentment.

4. Trying to control for the other person’s work. This common pitfall manifests in a great many ways. For some couples it may look like one partner buying the other lingerie to increase their self-esteem or trying to convince their partner of why their thinking is incorrect. In other couples, it may look like trying to control for the other person’s medical and mental health journey by reaching out to therapists or doctors on their partner’s behalf. No matter how it presents, it is almost always counterproductive and will likely result in the person who is “being fixed” to shut down and take no action.

5. Opening the relationship. An open relationship is a mutual decision made by both partners. The impetus behind this decision is different for every couple. When this decision is being made as a byproduct of the distress the couple feels in their relationship, then, in my experience, this is typically the beginning of the end. In lieu of turning toward one another to address the underlying problems in the relationship, the couple is turning away from each other.

Recap of Topic: Pitfalls for Increasing Sex

Many couples try to resolve concerns with sex on their own before seeking help. I applaud this approach as it shows initiative and an investment in the relationship. I also want to caution against the use of a few strategies that I have found to be counterproductive to the process. Specifically, I usually caution against scheduling sex, pushing through sex, equating sex to other acts of service, taking control of your partner’s process and opening the relationship. The good news is there are other more effective techniques a couple can use to increase sexual satisfaction.

Effective Suggestions for Increasing Sex and Intimacy

Now that we have looked at reasons why sex can become unsexy and strategies to avoid, I will share some ways that I have found to work for increasing sexual satisfaction. Especially in long-term relationships, sex is often a byproduct of the connection a couple shares. For this reason, it likely make senses when I suggest that connection is the route to increased sexual frequency and satisfaction. If you are thinking, “Great! We are two ships passing in the night and seldom have time for ourselves, let alone connecting,” you are not alone. I am going to provide you a tier of techniques that you can use ranging from least intensive to most intensive. Your goal is to create space for all of the suggestions below. Consider working with your partner and your support system on how that can happen.

Light Intensity

1. Intimacy questions or games. This is a simple and easy way to create connection with your partner without thought or preparation. Simply buy the cards, create 15-30 minutes of quiet time, and go. A daily habit around this will allow you and your partner to store up quality time which can increase longing and a desire to be close. My preferred cards are made by Best Self. They have multiple series for couples and I personally enjoy Relationship and Intimacy.

2. Love letters or texts. Cheesy, I know, but also highly effective in letting your partner know what you love about him or her today. Your relationship has undoubtedly evolved over the years and your partner along with it. Consider letting your partner know what you appreciate about him or her today.

3. Daily gratitude expression. Sit with your partner and share three ways in which you saw him or her show up for your family today. Be aware that this is NOT the time to share constructive feedback. This is ONLY a time to express gratitude and appreciation. Should you need to discuss other hard things, wait an hour before or after this activity.

4. Play and laugh together. Invest in board games, video games, comedy shows or a sport that you can do together. Play is a natural conduit for bonding and connection. Find ways to laugh with your partner.

5. Touch in non-sexual ways. Every person is different in what kind of touch feels soothing. Maybe your partner enjoys when you stroke her hair or snuggling with you on the couch while you watch a movie. Try to go for skin on skin contact with clear communication that you are not seeking sex in this moment.

Medium Intensity

1. Date night. I know, I know. It’s expensive. You have to hire sitter. You are tired and just want to sit down. I have heard and felt all of these excuses. I cannot underscore the importance of creating space for you and your partner to connect without the daily pressures of life. I want to challenge you to become creative and playful in your date ideas. There are many resources available to assist with this to include, but not limited to, books and date box subscriptions. You are your partner can even come together and per-determine date ideas and then put them in a bowl and draw from the bowl at random. Dating is a beautiful combination of intent, creativity and knowing.

2. Move your body’s together in non-sexual ways. Go for a walk, talk a yoga class or simply do yard work. When we move our bodies, we are also regulating our nervous systems. Doing this with your partner, can allow you to both de-stress and connect. Same as with the gratitude activity, this is NOT the time for hard conversations.

3. Night away. If you have a very supportive support system, consider staying the night at a hotel. Taking a mini-vacation allows you to disconnect from the daily stressors allowing for greater openness and possibility.

High Intensity

1. Take a vacation together. For some couples, this may not be a possibility until the children are older, finances are more stable or work schedules allow. That’s why this suggestion is clearly denoted as high intensity. This strategy will require time, money and planning. The return on investment you can receive from the feeling of connectedness, freedom, passion, and excitement is profound. I have seen couples with chronic problems with sex return from vacation feeling hopeful.

The key in each of these interventions is that SEX is not the goal. Connectedness, play, exploration and relaxation is the goal. When you set an environment for sex to occur organically, most the time, it does.

Recap of Topic: Suggestions for Increasing Sex

While it may seem counterintuitive, the more you focus on sex, the more of an issue it can become. In lieu of strategies that solely target increasing sex, I encourage couples to place their time and energy into creating connection. I provided tiered strategies for increasing connection ranging from light to high intensity. Some daily techniques for increasing connection include using intimacy cards or questions, expressing gratitude, increasing non-sexual touch, writing love letters and playing.

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This week’s recommended product(s) is the BestSelf Intimacy Deck. This deck with 150 relationship-building conversation starters makes an ideal gift for husband from wife. It's perfect for couples' game night and fun games for couples date night, providing get to know you games to strengthen relationships.