What To Expect When You Want To Be Expecting

Deciding to or not to have children is a decision most long-term couples will have to make. Upon making the decision to try for a baby, most couples report mixed feelings of excitement and anxiety, especially for a first pregnancy. In my experience, both feelings are warranted and appropriate for the journey ahead. Here’s the thing about a universal experience, normal does not mean easy. In fact, the process of conception can embody a host of difficult emotions. The following are specific challenges that I have encountered in both my personal reproductive journey and professional work with couples. I have found that knowing hardship can occur sometimes softens the blow when it happens.

1. Sex can become methodical and mechanical. There is a science behind conception. The egg is viable for a period of 12-24 hours. Sperm have a life expectancy of up to 5 days. Sperm and egg need to meet in order for conception to occur. Due to these timelines, many couples use methods of tracking ovulation to know their fertile window. Having sex during the fertile window, requires the couple to schedule days and times to have sex. If you read my previous newsletter on the drawbacks of scheduling sex, you can likely guess why this could result in sex becoming unsexy. Over time, it is not uncommon for one or both partners to feel as though sex is a means to an end goal.

2. The “what if” monster. Experiencing anxiety around any and all aspects of conception, pregnancy, birth and parenting are common to most of us. I once heard as many as 90% of parents experience anxiety pertaining to their child. In my opinion, coexisting with anxiety is the price of admission when you choose to become a parent. Some people may be surprised to learn that anxiety starts even before pregnancy. Common what if’s at this point pertain to if a couple can conceive, if the female is creating a healthy and stress-free environment for the expectant zygote, if the pregnancy will be viable, if they will be good parents, if they can afford to be parents and many more. While normal, normal does not mean easy.

3. The let down. Every ovulation cycle ends with a period of roughly two anxiety-inducing weeks. The level of anxiety is different for every couple and individual in the couple. It’s not unusual for women to check their bellies for evidence of bloating or take pregnancy tests much earlier than is indicated. After weeks of anticipation and planning, it is also not surprising when a negative pregnancy test results in disappointment for one or both members of the couple. This is even more understandable when you consider the changes you have already made in your life to prepare for your new addition to include abstaining from alcohol and drugs, changing your diet, and avoiding activities that may be dangerous while pregnant. It can be frustrating when your mind and body are not in agreement.

4. Inadequacy. I have heard both men and women discuss their feelings of inadequacy associated with being unable to conceive as expected. Statements of “what’s wrong with me?” are not uncommon. This can dovetail nicely into the “what if” monster which then takes over and proposes a host of hypothetical concerns. Challenges with conception can have an unexpected impact on your self-esteem and the self-esteem of your partner.

5. Despair. Despair is the by-product of repeated let-downs. Despair may feel like hopelessness, depression, grief and loss and loneliness. Despair may look like crying, talking about giving up, and withdrawing into one’s self. While I see this more often in women, both partners can experience despair.

6. Isolation. Isolation can and does occur for couple’s who are struggling to conceive. This makes sense when you consider that a couple’s peer group is also in a stage of development where they are likely to also be trying to conceive. For some couples, conception comes very easily; however, for many couples, it does not. When a couple struggling to conceive is surrounded by couples who are conceiving, a feeling of isolation and loneliness can creep in. Feelings of inadequacy and shame are not uncommon when this occurs.

Recap of Topic: What to Expect

Conception is part science, part luck and part divine. A couple can do everything right and still struggle to conceive for reasons known and unknown. While unique to every couple, the journey toward conception has similar experiences for many. I discussed six common scenarios couples trying to conceive may experience to include, but not limited to, changes in a couple’s sexual relationship, anxious thoughts, feelings of disappointment, despair and inadequacy and isolation.

Overcoming Common Obstacles

In my experience, every part of the reproductive process offers an opportunity to hold and coexist with distress. In this section, we are going to explore resources, coping strategies and behaviors that you can use to overcome the previously mentioned challenges.

1. Sex can become methodical and mechanical. Make sure to create organic opportunities for sex outside of your ovulation window. This will allow you and your partner to remember that before sex was intended to produce a baby it served the purpose of providing a pleasurable bonding experience between you. This may mean planning for dates, taking a stay-cation, and/or playing games together. I frequently encourage couples to relish this time before baby. While you will love your little bundle of joy to the moon and back, you will miss the carefree days you and your partner once shared.

2. The “what if” monster. The what if monster will come. Anxiety is a common and ubiquitous human condition. Since we cannot stop the what if’s, we can allow for them. Allowing for them does not mean you agree with the anxious thoughts or that you are obligated to a course of action. It simply means you will not commit energy to fighting against it. When we learn to coexist with our feelings, we take the first step in learning how to own, regulate and modify them. After you have committed to allowing for the anxious thoughts, I want you to monitor for cognitive distortions. I touched on cognitive distortions in the newsletter referencing sexual values. The two that I most want you to monitor for are Catastrophizing and Jumping to Conclusions. With both of these distortions, it is helpful to evaluate the evidence.

3. The let down. Coping with the let down offers an opportunity to practice holding dialectics. When we hold dialectics, we allow for two things to be true at once. In this situation, you might allow for feelings of sadness while also holding hope for future conception. I will warn you that holding dialectics is hard. It is human nature to codify and truncate information. For this reason, we are primed to classify in the most rudimentary of ways: good and bad. This event is bad and I feel bad about it. When we hold dialectics we acknowledge that a situation is painful and we create space for possibility.

4. Inadequacy. Inadequacy is likely a byproduct of illogical beliefs you hold about yourself. Sometimes identifying the root belief allows you to decide if this belief is true or untrue. Discovering the belief, can be a bit like digging for a well preserved fossil. One way to dig it out is to talk to yourself like an inquisitive toddler would talk to you. To begin this you would ask yourself, “Why do I feel inadequate that I have not conceived?” Once you answer that question, repeat the same process again, “And why does (fill in the blank answer) matter to me? Repeat this again and again until there is nothing left. When done, you have hopefully uncovered your core belief. Now you can decide if you want to continue to believe this about yourself moving forward.

5. Despair. As previously discussed, despair is the result of prolonged suffering. Despair offers us the opportunity to decide if we want to forge ahead or turn back. While there is no right or wrong answer, there are consequences associated with either choice. If choosing to forge ahead, my encouragement is to decide on your why. Why are you doing this? Answering this question thoughtfully will assist in grounding you when thoughts of giving up come to you in the future. If choosing to turn back, my encouragement is to allow for a period of mourning while also holding space for identifying ways you can nurture others in your life.

6. Isolation. Isolation is usually a choice. In this situation, maybe you are avoiding your peer group out of feelings of awkwardness, embarrassment or shame and vice versa. The good news is that many people respond well to being told how to meet needs. Can you challenge yourself to share with your partner, peers and family what you need from them? This may sound like, “I need someone to listen to what this is like for me. Just listen and empathize with my experience. Can you do this for me? Conversely, you may need your support group to offer reassurance and hope. Whatever you need, can you lean into others to provide this for you?

Recap of Topic: Overcoming Common Obstacles

No matter your reproductive journey, feelings of anxiety and distress are common. Every hardship offers the opportunity to improve your ability to tolerate distress and reduce reactivity. In this section, I shared several coping strategies that can be used to offset common obstacles couple’s experience when trying to conceive. Specifically, I referenced identifying and challenging cognitive distortions, planning for connection and play with your partner, holding dialectics, identifying your why and asking for what you need.

Understanding and Holding Space for Each Other’s Perspectives

While you and your partner are sharing this reproductive journey, your respective experiences are each your own. The goal is not for your experiences to match but for your experiences to be shared and known. To create an effective space to do this, I offer the following suggestions:

1. Listen with warmth and compassion. This may sound like, “Wow! This sounds like it’s been really hard for you.” or “I can tell that your are trying to stay positive even though you are frustrated.”

2. Listen without fixing. Most people recoil to being told how they should solve their problems even when the suggestion is valid. In lieu of offering suggestions for how to solve the problem, ask, “How can I support you?”

3. Listen without rescuing. When we rescue another person, we attempt to save them from an emotion, which is necessary for their processing. This may sound like, “You shouldn’t be so hard on yourself?” or “Let’s go see a movie to get our mind’s off of this.” Asking how to be supportive and holding space to listen with compassion are usually more effective options in the long-run.

4. Listen without judgement. Listening without judgement is especially critical if your partner is holding feelings of shame, inadequacy and/or anxiety. Placing judgement on your partner’s experience could result in increased feelings of all three and further shut down. An example of judgement would be something like “With as much as you worry about this, it’s no wonder you can’t conceive.”

Recap of Topic: Understanding Each Other’s Perspectives

Differing perspectives are one the greatest blessings and challenges in any couple relationship. I once attended a marriage conference where the facilitator explained that you need your partner to think differently than you because otherwise one of you is unnecessary. This comment resonated with me and is still something I share with couples today. While your reproductive journey is shared, it will likely be experienced differently by each of you. I encourage partners to create space to listen with warmth and compassion and avoid rescuing, fixing or judging while listening.

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