Reasons Why Play is Devalued in Friendships

I remember a time in my life when my friendships meant everything to me. My entire day was planned around when I could talk to or hang out with one of them. When we got together, we would talk for hours about nothing of importance and dream about how our lives were going to turn out. This is a common season for many of us. Friends hold a unique place in our development as people. They are our surrogate family as we individuate from our family-of-origin and our interim family before we create one of our own. As we age, it is not uncommon to spend less time with peers in favor of other responsibilities. Seldom does this transition occur over-night but happens so gradually that, for many of us, we don’t even notice it’s absence until we stop and think about the last time we spent time with a friend. Below we are going to review common reasons for why play is devalued in friendship.

1. Transition to parenting. Becoming a parent is a wonderful blessing and an enormous upset to the status quo. The first three years of this transition are the most vulnerable as parents try to balance necessities such as work, marital relationship, sleep, childcare responsibilities and personal wellness. For parents with children under the age of five, creating time and space for play with peers can be a genuine struggle and stressor.

2. Career development. We know that career development is a common goal during our 20’s and many of us strive for this by obtaining higher education or skills training. If you are like me, you may also be surprised to learn that career development is an ongoing evolution. In contrast to a steady state of work in my early 20’s, career development throughout my 30’s and 40’s has come in waves. These waves are typically time and resource consuming and can last for years.

3. Fatigue. Comedian Nate Bargatze has a skit that I think captures this idea better than any words I can say. In his stand-up act he states, “In your 20’s you are great. You are down to do whatever. You are like, ‘What do you want to do? I will set this place on fire.’ Your 30’s come and you are like, ‘Where are we going? I’m going to drive separate.’ Your 40’s come and you say ‘I’m not going. I’m mad that you thought I would go.’” Fatigue is a barrier to play in all of your relationships.

4. Health. As we age, our minds and bodies change. It is natural to become both slower in our thinking and our movements. We have less energy and will experience other physical barriers such as injury, surgery and recovery, and illness. I was shocked at how long it took me to fully recover from my c-section following my son’s birth. It was not the 6-8 week turn around time talked about online. It was more like 9-12 months of recovery time with a consistent commitment to physical therapy.

5. Distance. The natural space that occurs in peer relationships as life takes on additional responsibilities can lead to a feeling of distance or isolation. Reaching across the divide after limited contact for several months to years, can seem like an undesirable task, at best. It may seem easier to continue moving ahead with your life without the person’s presence.

Recap of Topic: Reasons Why Play is Devalued

Creating space to play with friends, is commonly a challenge as we age. It is not unusual to go through seasons where the best you can offer are warm and responsive text messages. So long as this remains a season, then your friendships will likely remain in tact and understanding. Common barriers to creating time for play in our friendships include, but are not limited to, transition into parenthood, career development, fatigue, health and distance.

The Benefits of Play in Peer Relationships

The COVID-19 pandemic was detrimental for many reasons most notably to social bonds and connectedness. Over night, our routines, social networks and communities were ripped away. Not only could we no longer engage in our normal social routines (i.e. going to work, attending church, eating dinner at our favorite restaurant), we were afraid to do so. The research is clear on the impact these changes had on our social, mental, physical and emotional well-being. With very few exceptions, we are not meant to be alone. We were born into relationships and are sustained by them. Our peer relationships were our first attempt at re-creating supportive familial bonds. While some of these attempts invariably failed over the years, the ones that remain with you have done so because they grew and evolved with you. As previously stated last week, play is a key nutrient to maintaining and sustaining long-term relationships. Below we will look at the benefits of play in peer bonding.

1. Increased creativity. Whenever the topic of spending time together comes up between two adults, it usually involves the question, “What do you want to do?” While the answer to this question will vary for every individual, even the mental process of answering this question involves creativity. Endeavoring to find and participate in a mutually agreed upon activity requires communication, comprise, and problem-solving. Many of my play dates have consisted of creative tasks such as baking, scrap-booking and painting.

2. Relaxation and renewal. For many adults, spending time with peers is an added luxury to everything else that they are currently managing in their lives. Getting together feels like a treat, much like getting your favorite ice cream. This break from the daily stressors of life offers an opportunity to ground and connect with joy.

3. Increased productivity. Have you ever noticed that team building events usually occur in playful environments where you are required to think, problem-solve and work together? This is because research has shown an improvement in productivity when we take the time to play. In a work place environment, the reasons for this are likely multi-faceted and stem from increased trust, decreased stress and mental fatigue and improved communication.

4. Affirmation of community. Playing with peers allows you to reaffirm the relationship and it’s significance in each other’s lives. Even with occasional gatherings, peers can reaffirm the belief that this person is part of my tribe. Knowing that we are not alone and have other people to lean on in crisis is a protective resilience factor, in and of itself.

5. Pain relief. Believe it or not, play releases endorphins which is the body’s natural response to pain. I once attempted to capitalize on this by calling a friend while I was getting a tattoo. This friend was always great at making me laugh and I was eager for pain relief. My plan was going along smoothly until the tattoo artist told me that I had to stop laughing and hold still. I substituted by drinking a bottle of wine through a straw.

Recap of Topic: Benefits of Play in Peer Relationships

Our peer relationships are our first attempt at creating supportive familial bonds outside of our family-of-origin. For many of us, peers are a surrogate family especially between adolescence and the time of making our own family. While there are many benefits to playing with peers, creativity, relaxation, productivity, affirmation of community and pain relief are among some of the most significant.

Suggestions for Incorporating Play with Peers

Similar to last week, we are going to explore suggestions for play that you and your friends can do as stand alone or paired with everyday activities. Consider doing one of these activities a week and after a month ask your friend(s) about their perspective of the impact play had on your relationship.

Recap of Topic: Suggestions for Incorporating Play

As we age, our appreciation for simplicity grows. Often times, neither you nor your peers require elaborate plans. Simple, laid-back interactions that allow for laughter and joy are all that is required. I encourage you to try one strategy from the list or of your own making and implement this weekly for the next month.

^{Recommended Product of the Week}

This week’s recommended product(s) is Cards Against Humanity. Cards Against Humanity is a party game for horrible people. The game is simple. Each round, one player asks a question from a black card, and everyone else answers with their funniest white card.