Reasons Why Play is Devalued in Parenting

As previously stated, the responsibilities of parenting are endless. A full list of duties would be the entire newsletter content for this week. For most adults, parent is only one of the many hats they wear in a day. Juggling work, marriage, extended family, peer relationships, household responsibilities and extra-curricular activities is enough to drive most parents to the brink of burnout. Moreover, if it’s a toss up between an hour of play or an hour of meal prep and homework time, the essential tasks are going to win out every time. Below we will review common barriers many parents experience to playing with their children.

1. Exhaustion. This was covered last week but still applies. Finding the energy to be playful can feel like an impossible task when you worked a full day, rushed home to throw together dinner and oversee homework, supervised bedtime, and then bathed your own body so that you can literally rinse, wash and repeat the next day. Working parents are heroes.

2. Time-sharing. Creating quality time with your children is challenging enough when you are trying to balance the daily demands of life. This is even harder when you are splitting the time you have with your child(ren) with another parent.

3. Extra-curricular activities. I continue to feel a mixture of awe and sympathy when I hear parents talk about their child(ren)’s extra-curricular activities. Even one activity per child, can result in multiple practices throughout the week and events on the weekends. A great many of my clients talk about “white knuckling it” until the season comes to an end so that they can resume breathing again.

4. Development. As children age their interests will naturally evolve and change. Knowing how to connect with your teen whose interests seem foreign to you can present as a struggle. Conversely, playing with a busy and active toddler can also be a challenge as their attention span does not lend itself to sustained interactions.

5. Conflict. Conflict is an inevitable part of every human relationship. Creating space for play and effective discipline is no enviable task. Even if you can allow for the coexistence of both, there is no guarantee that your child can or will. While parenting styles differ, I tend to lean into the philosophy that rules without relationship will create rebellion.

Recap of Topic: Reasons Why Play is Devalued

I believe that most parents want to and believe there is benefit in playing with their children. I also understand the very real challenges parents face when attempting to create space for play. Exhaustion, time-sharing, extra-curricular activities, development and conflict are genuine obstacles for both parents and children. I want to offer a message of encouragement for hard-working, well intentioned parents. Our children will not remember every day of their childhood as we do not remember ours. They will remember powerful moments. Focus on creating those moments with your children even if they cannot and do not occur as often as you would like.

The Benefits of Play in Parenting

Play is the language of children. Literally, before they can speak, they can play. For this reason, joining your children in play communicates your love and interest in them more than words ever can. Play is a tool that parents can use across all developmental stages to create, maintain and strengthen the parent-child connection. Below we will explore specific ways play can be used to aid in parenting.

1. Play assists with conflict resolution. Yes, this is the same as last week when we discussed partner relationships. In preparation for this newsletter, I asked my girls, “What are some of the funny things I’ve said to you when I am annoyed with you but I communicate it with humor? My twelve-year-old immediately responded with, “You are killing me smalls.” I immediately laughed at this, of course. After a few seconds thought, I remembered that I hadn’t said that to her in years. This would be one of those moments that we’ve created that she will carry with her into adulthood.

2. Play provides grace. Play heals relational injuries with children just as it does with adults. On more than one occasion, I have been able to coax my middle child out of her mood by asking her to join me in play. As a mom, it gives my peace to know that I have this as a tool in my pocket and can always use this tool to soften an interaction and communicate my unconditional love.

3. Play teaches you about your children. Many years ago I created content for helping parents talk to their children about sex. As part of the content, I filmed various methods parents could use to include, but not limited to, reading books and playing games. One of my brave volunteers allowed me to film her playing a birds and bees version of jeopardy with her children. I cannot remember the question that prompted this answer from one of her pre-tween boys, but I vividly remember him shouting with confidence, “porn hub.” The mother immediately made direct eye contact with me, turned the most delightful shade of red and then looked at her son. It was obvious to me that she had no idea that he had any knowledge of porn hub. I would make a sizeable bet that they had follow-up conversations about porn hub after I left.

4. Play teaches your children. As parents, we want to impart many lessons onto our children. We want them know their ABC’s and 123’s. We also want them to know how to share, take pride in their accomplishments, celebrate the victories of others and communicate their needs. Play offers a unique way to impart these lessons. For example, have you ever considered that that the “Red Light, Green Light Game” is not only about teaching children to follow the rules but can also be used to teach boundaries? Green light behaviors are things that your child allows or is permitted to do with another. Conversely, red light behaviors are things that your child does not allow or is not allowed to do.

5. Play promotes bonding. Children are not immune to stress. Even the littlest of them can and do experience stress. For example, babies cry, hiccup, kick, grimace, look away or cover their face with their hands when they are overwhelmed. Because play and stress do not exist in the same space, both parent and child can relax in the presence of one another to create a forever moment.

Recap of Topic: Benefits of Play for Parenting

Play is the language of children. When parents learn to speak this language, they can create forever memories with their children that will be carried with them throughout life. While there are numerous benefits to playing with your children, resolving conflict, repairing the relationship, imparting lessons, learning about your children, and bonding with your children are some of the most impactful.

Suggestions for Incorporating Play into Parenting

Similar to last week, we are going to explore suggestions for play that you and your child(ren) can do as stand alone or paired with everyday activities. Consider creating 15-30 minutes of play time with your child every day even if this is paired with already existing activities. After a week, regroup with your child(ren) to ask about his or her perspective of the impact play had on your relationship.

Recap of Topic: Suggestions for Incorporating Play

The ways in which you can play with your children is only limited by your imagination. While you may aspire to take your children to theme parks or on lavish vacations, I assure you that they do not need either of those things to create forever memories with you. The only thing needed to create a forever memory is a loving and playful moment between you and your child.

^{Recommended Product of the Week}

This week’s recommended product(s) is Lego Incredibles. When I asked the girls to name their favorite Lego game that we have played together, this was their top pick. This game features co-op play and follows the story line of both Incredibles movies.