Knowledge/information about LGBTQIA in relation to sexual orientation, gender identity and sexual identity

There is an active movement in removing the T from LGBTQIA+, as T refers to gender identity. There is a clear difference in someone's sexual orientation and his/her/their gender identity and sexual identity. One’s sexual orientation refers to their sexual and romantic attraction and interest to others; whereas gender identity refers to someone’s experience and understanding of their gender that may be the same or different from their biologically born genitalia, thus, gender is distinct from biological sex. Your youth may present with conversation about sexual orientation prior to a conversation about gender identity. This is common to occur. When we talk about sexual identity, we are referring to the identities related to one’s sexuality. This might mean one’s identity as gay, lesbian, queer, bisexual, asexual, heterosexual, queer, asexual, intersexual, etc.

Terms may change over the years as there are multiple identities that may describe and overlap one’s sexual identity and sexual orientation. Simply put, your youth’s language about their sexuality may shift and change as they navigate this journey. Be prepared to hear differences in how they speak.

Recap of Topic: Knowledge about LGBTQIA

There are differences among sexual orientation, sexual identify, and gender identity. Sexual orientation refers to one’s sexual attraction to others; sexual identify refers to how one identifies themselves sexually; gender identity refers to one’s understanding of their gender that may be the same or different from their born, sexual genitalia.

Parent Concerns and values to consider when discussing sexual orientation and sexual identity

Parental responses associated with a child’s disclosure are varied and frequently change over time. It is not unusual for parents to experience grief, anxiety, and anger upon their child’s disclosure. All of these emotions belong to the parent and are a reflection of values, beliefs and dreams the parent holds. Some parents are immediately accepting and even celebrate the child’s disclosure. In all honesty, an initial non-affirming response is not an insurmountable obstacle in the parent-child relationship so long as their is a willingness to understand and respect the needs of the other. There are several beliefs that can contribute to a parents’ feelings of anger and fear. Some of these beliefs are listed and discussed below.

1. This is my fault. Rest assured; this is not your fault as the parent.

2. There is something wrong with my child. Let us speak to the lens you are using when looking at your child. Using terms like normal and abnormal complicates the situation, as there is heightened connotation with these words. Just because your child shows a different sexual orientation or gender identity that differs from your original thought or preference does not imply they are not healthy, happy, confident human beings.

3. My child is destined to commit suicide. This is not necessarily the case. With acceptance, belonging, and support, this is less likely to happen. Someone being welcomed after sharing their story and view of coming out will feel more secure in their surroundings and natural supports that will allow them to seek support when needed and not act on an impulse to commit suicide. This is more likely to occur when isolation and withdrawal from support is observable. If you have a concern related to suicidality, seek out a therapist for support.

4. School is not a stressor. Just toughen up. GLEN's notational survey found 75% of transgender youth students reported feeling unsafe at school, and those students who navigated their educational journey, displayed significantly lower GPAs, and missed more school attendance due to their fear for safety. In this, many individuals were less likely to continue higher education. This knowledge impacts the conversation pieces and advocacy we have for our youth when they are out of our home care. There are several equality laws and provisions to protect, and with your willingness to listen and support, you may be able to help.

5. My reaction does not have an impact and will not hurt my child. As the supportive caregiver and attachment role model, your responses directly impact your loved one, especially your child. An anxious attachment strategy suggests a more negative reaction to someone coming out. That said, as the parent, can you learn to control your emotions and allow your child to talk openly about how they may feel differently from you? Knowing this about yourself as a parent can help you know where your own emotions and ideas stop and where your child's begins. It can be helpful for you to know your own emotional system and ways you respond to build a better awareness and in addition, implement change as needed. Know how accurate your emotional system is and how closely these emotions correspond to what is happening. Learn to control and regulate your emotions. In this, if you tend to be more avoidant or dismissive, try increasing your emotional intensity, and if you are preoccupied or anxious in being impulsive and showing poor emotion regulation, try lowering your emotional intensity. In knowing you can be impulsive, such as blurting out answers or interrupting, attempting to delay your actions and waiting for your youth to pause or finish talking. When communicating, ask questions that elicit a greater perspective and understanding of your loved one's view of their sexual identity and/or sexual orientation.

6. Just identify as one thing. Seems simple enough. Sexual orientation and gender identity is not fixed, singular, or discrete; however, it is multiple, in flux, fluid, and overlapping, making it more complex.  This will not result in just conversation. This is long standing over time, as one better understands his/her/their sexual self. Your open and vulnerable conversations allow you and your youth to explore and learn more during this sexual journey as they do not feel judged or dismissed in exploration and discovery.

7. It is just school. Do not worry about it. Research has suggested a higher satisfaction of life and better coping skills to deal with negative experiences in transgender individuals who have higher level of academic education. Their school experience does matter.

Recap of Topic: Parental Concerns and Values

Parents have their own concerns, questions, values, emotions, and opinions. Be mindful of what those are and how they can impact your youth when they are discussing their sexuality with you. Continue to share and show unconditional love during this journey.

Child concerns and values to consider when discussing sexual orientation and sexual identity

Children, like parents, have their own emotional journey that they take when discovering and declaring their sexual identity, sexual orientation and/or gender identity. It is not unusual for children to experience feelings of anxiety, excitement, grief, and confusion, to name a few. Some common concerns that children possess are explained below.

1. I will be disowned. No one will love me. Many of our youth feel an immediate and anticipated sense of rejection and lack of belonging and acceptance when approaching these conversations with their parents and family. Consider this as you respond and listen to them. Pay attention to words of affirmation, sense of encouragement, acknowledgement in their bravery, and an appreciation they are entrusting themselves with you. Repeat a sense of unconditional love for them when acknowledging this is an intense and emotional conversation for you all.

2. I feel misunderstood. My parents will not get it.. So many times, we are guided to choose one specific form of identity, especially when it refers to our sexuality, and when we place this value system and structure on others, especially our youth, they feel invalidated and misunderstood. No one label fits their experience, so when encouraged to pick one from a limited list, it leaves them feeling less understood. In turn, this also validates them questioning a sense of sexual identity. In this, ask open-ended questions and responses to elaborate while encouraging your youth to describe their experience rather than focus on a label. An example of this could simply be “Tell me more about that.” and “What clothing section would you like to explore today?”

3. I am feeling extreme stress. Individuals of the LGBTQIA+ community experience minority stress that accumulates from every day chronic stress in addition to stress facing the public such as social isolation, heteronormative gender expectations, and institutional obstacles like challenges in receiving appropriate health care. Again, without appropriate and substantial understanding, support, and belonging, this stress is associated with higher rates of PTSD, depression, anxiety, suicidal ideation and attempts, non-suicidal self-harm, eating disorders. With chronic stress related to PTSD, there are related chronic medical issues including GI problems, IBS, back pain due to continuous perceived threat from past hurtful learning experiences. Also, there are increased infectious diseases such as HIV and other STIs. Sexual education regarding safe sexual habits and openness to generalized sexual conversations as good starting points, lead to more equipped and informative conversations. An increase of non-communicative diseases such as cardiovascular issues, hypertension, inflammation are also noted because of increased stress levels in these youth.

4. I do not feel comfortable in my body. I want to express myself how I truly am. Listen to understand, not judge. Offer to take them to the store in efforts for them to simply browse or even try on something for fun in a light spirit, not set defining one. Look through an online catalogue of gender affirming accessories or even give them the opportunity to browse by themselves and bring their ideas to you. Here is a website to explore yourself in embracing your youth’s journey.

Recap of Topic: Child concerns and values

Our youth experience heightened stress, fear of rejection, chronic medical and mental health issues, and intense views of misunderstanding when diverse in their sexual nature. When speaking with your youth and their sexuality, ask questions to understand their perspective and assist in them feeling secure in their belonging in the family system.

^{Recommended Product of the Week}

This week’s recommended product(s) is Gender Affirming Products. This website provides catalogue of assorted products to assist in a visual component in conversation to help your youth explore and discuss how they identify in their sexuality.